L1OR's Space!: Jokes

More Why did the Chicken Cross the Road Jokes :D

Sun, 06 Jul 2008 12:32:29 GMT

Why did Douglas Adams' chicken cross the road?
42

Why did the turtle cross the road?
Because the chicken was on holiday.

Why did Captain Kirk's chicken cross the road?
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Why did the psychic chicken cross the road?
To get in touch with the other side

Joke: Explaining the Mentality of the Modern Woman...

Wed, 18 Jun 2008 13:21:29 GMT

When Adam was still living in Eden, he came to God and said "I'm bored. It's lonely to be the only sentient being"
So God said:
"I have just the right thing for you... a companion!
"This companion will care for you, wash your clothes and clean your house, comfort you when you're down and wil always be willing to physically please you"
So Adam said "Sounds great! What do I have to do?"
God said: "Not much, just give up one leg, one hand, one eye and one lung"
Frowning, Adam said "That's a bit too much. What do I get for a rib?"

- Thanks Leonid

Funny Signs

Mon, 02 Jun 2008 22:10:36 GMT

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.
In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

Source: http://euphoria-magazine.com/

Worst Analogies Ever Written in a High School Essay

Mon, 02 Jun 2008 22:01:27 GMT

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7pm instead of 7:30.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. (eww!)
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. (hahahaha)
He was as tall as a six-foot three-inch tree.

Source: http://euphoria-magazine.com/

Sky at Night Joke

Thu, 08 May 2008 12:44:02 GMT

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”

Holmes said: “and what do you deduce from that?”

Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.”

And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”

Source: http://laughlab.co.uk/

Joke in the Forest

Fri, 25 Apr 2008 17:21:23 GMT

"If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?" is a well-known philosophical riddle.
Extrapolating from this.....
What if you tell a joke in the forest, and nobody laughs? Was it a joke? —Steven Wright

Comedy Here & Now

Mon, 07 Apr 2008 23:11:53 GMT

Best Bits from Ellen Degeneres: Here & Now

This may lose something in the transcription but I found it really funny :)

On TV shows
Oh how we’ve progressed from the Good old days of TV: It was a simpler time back then. We were so easily entertained. We would watch anything. We would watch a flying nun, we’d watch a talking horse… We’re so much more sophisticated now watching people eat bugs and marry strangers for money.. We’ve come a long way….

On TV adverts
There are some happy people in TV commercials. That woman in the shampoo commercial.. she’s happy! She’s too happy. (me: oh yes). I fell for it, bought the shampoo and shampooed for 2 hours.. I tell you I didn’t get that happy.

On Phones:
All this wireless technology – we can talk to anybody anytime, anywhere. We take that for granted…. It wasn’t that long ago that we only had 1 phone per house…. you were lucky if you could move a foot or two from the phone. Back in the past when you were on the phone, you were on the phone!

Remember letting the phone spin? Good times. We’re losing these simple pleasures.

Today we have hands free phones. Chances are if you need both hands to do something, your brain should be in on it too…

On psychological disorders nowadays
ADD, OCD… What’s with this sudden choice of disorders nowadays anyway? When I was a kid all we had were crazy people! Just crazy people!

On Cars
We don’t have those “butter-churning”-style handles to roll our windows down anymore – yet we still use that gesture to indicate to someone to roll there window down. That’s because we’d look like idiots indicating it like this *mimes pushing a button*.

On Laziness
We’re becoming so lazy nowadays. Button-pressing to roll down windows, remote controls for everything from TVs to garage doors…. We even don’t have breath mints anymore. We have breath mint strips that just melt on our tongue. Can’t we even suck anymore?

On Cinemas
Only in the darkness of a cinema do we not feel guilty about pigging out completely on junk food. Bucket-sized popcorn… shovelling it into our mouths. Is it really that delicious that we have to shovel it in?

On Politeness
Ever had someone sitting behind you in a cinema or concert or in an airplane something with a vibrating foot kicking at the back of your chair? You want to turn around and say “Please – stop it.” But.. we don’t. Instead, this is how we try and get that point across. *mimes: suddenly turning head to look behind you in annoyance*. Don’t they know the universal sign for “That’s irritating?”.

Or ever had those people who need to use the back of your chair to support themselves out of their seat? You go flying back there for a second.. For a second there it feels like you’re gonna take off. Feels like you’re gonna get catapulted out of there for a second…

On elevators
Ever been in a situation when you see the elevator doors are open and you’re running to make it before the doors close, and you see that guy in the elevator. They see you running, but they just stand there.. and look like they don’t want you to make it! Must feel awkward for them when you do make it!

One liners for breaking awkward silences:
Hey – you wanna smell something weird?

On Kidding
A lot of people today don’t know how to kid anymore..

Eg. “My dog died.” “No! You’re kidding!” .. “well.. as funny as that is, no.. not kidding”

Eg. “I hope you didn’t pay for that awful thing!! Just kidding!” well – if they’re kidding, they don’t know how it works, coz we should both be laughing…

On people who say “That’s the worst thing”
Like: “ugh – paper cuts – that’s the worst thing!” Really? That's the worst? Hmm… Ever had pickle juice in your eye? That’s pretty bad… Not the worst thing though. The worst thing may be trying to open a brand new CD…

On Packaging
CD packagers must be angry angry people. “Open here” – is that sarcasm? Are they mocking us? And why is it in plastic anyway? Are they trying to keep it fresh? Everything’s wrapped so well these days – like batteries.. almost everything. Oh except lightbulbs which are just in thin, thin cardboard boxes, open on both ends... What are those packagers thinking? “Oh they’ll be fine!”.

On potato chips
I wish they packed potato chips like they packed pickles…It’s all air! There are just like 6 potato chips in there once you get the thing open! Pickles are packed like sardines, which by the way aren’t packed in as well as pickles. That expression should change… It’ll catch on…

On toilet paper
Ever been in a public toilet and there’s a new toilet paper roll there, and you’re trying to find where it starts, and you go round and round and it feels like forever until you find that glued start (why is it glued anyway?). And then you finally locate the start and only a couple centimetres become unglued.. you end up with a streamer… “I don’t want a streamer! I just want toilet paper!! This is no time to celebrate!”.

On toilets
Nowadays you get those automatic toilets… I’d like to flush myself when I’m done thank you very much. Coz sometimes they just go off randomly whilst you’re still sitting there – scares the daylights out of you! And then when you really are done, then they don’t go off! Then you’re just standing there, staring at the toilet, trying to do everything you can to make it flush. Ever tried to sit down and fake it out again in the hope that it triggers the automatic flush?

On waving to people
Ever waved to somebody.. you’re sure it’s them… and only after waving you realise it’s not them…embarrassing!

Or ever had someone wave to you… you know you don’t know them… but you wave back anyway? Only to realise they’re not waving at you at all, but to the person behind you?

On tripping up
Ever tripped, and then been in denial about it and pretended you were just gonna start running, so you just run on?

On embarrassing things
Ever walked into a pane glass window? 2 things happening there: pain and embarasssment. But pain gets backseat. No matter how much pain you’re in, it takes a backseat if people are laughing – you just laugh with them. “hahaha I did not see that glass coming! Hahaha! aw is that blood? Hahaha! I’m bleeding! Hahaha! can you help me find my eye? Hahaha!”

On songs
We all have songs where we don’t remember the words.. like that Aretha Franklin song Respect. We all know it goes “RESPECT find out what it means to me, RESPECT…. Uh..huh..EST.. ho! Sock it to me, sock it to me”

On spit
You know when someone’s talking to you, and a little bit of their spit accidentally lands on your cheek? You know it’s there… they certainly know it’s there… yet nobody acknowledges it. You just keep talking, acting like nothing’s just happened because you don’t want to embarrass them. All the while you’re freaking out in disgust on the inside… You’re praying for them to glance away just for a second so you can quickly just wipe it off your cheek without them noticing. Why do we do that? Would it insult them if they saw us wipe it away? “What? You don’t’ want that there? Why would you wipe my spittle away?”. The funniest things make us uncomfortable…

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Wed, 12 Mar 2008 20:01:22 GMT

DR. PHIL : The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens

GEORGE W. BUSH : We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL:    Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...


DR    SEUSS :     Did   the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY :    To die in the rain. Alone.


GRANDPA :    In   my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was   good enough.

JOHN LENNON : Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ........

reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?

The Sphinx: You tell me.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL SHARPTON : Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens

COLONEL SANDERS (KFC founder): Did I miss one?

Frasier Quote

Sat, 08 Mar 2008 23:24:34 GMT

Cupid and his arrow have declared me an endangered species. - Frasier

Kitchen Creations

Sat, 08 Mar 2008 22:57:12 GMT

The only thing I've ever successfully made in the kitchen is a mess. And several small fires. - Sex and the City

Love - to each their own

Sat, 08 Mar 2008 22:55:44 GMT

One woman's Titanic is another woman's Love Boat. - Sex and the City

Blind Date Joke

Fri, 07 Mar 2008 20:54:40 GMT

Wendy Liebman: "I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog."

Dating Jokes

Fri, 07 Mar 2008 20:51:31 GMT

Mike Binder: "I date this girl for 2 years and then the nagging starts.. "I wanna know your name..."

Skipping Meals Joke

Fri, 07 Mar 2008 20:41:57 GMT

A woman was overweight so her doctor put her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for 2 weeks. Next time I see you , you'll have lost at least 5lbs"

But when the woman returned 2 weeks later, she'd lost 20lbs! The doctor was amazed.

"Did you follow my instructions?"

"Yes", she said "but I thought I was going to drop dead that third day".

"From hunger you mean?"

"No, from skipping".

Pizza boy Joke

Fri, 07 Mar 2008 20:33:16 GMT

A college boy delivered a pizza to an old man's house.

"I suppose you want a tip?" said the old man grumpily.

"That would be much appreciated," said the college boy, "but the other guy who does pizza deliveries told me not to expect muchfrom you. He said if I got a quarter from you I'd be lucky."

The old timer was hurt by the accusation. "Well to prove him wrong, here's $5".

"Thank you" said the college boy, "I'll put this in my school fund."

"Oh what are you studying?" asked the old man.

"Applied psychology".

Jokes II

Fri, 07 Mar 2008 20:26:47 GMT

If Michelangelo had been a heterosexual, the Sistine Chapel would have been painted basic white and with a roller - Rita Mae Brown